Recovery After Divorce For Women
‘Why do some women move on and others stay in the rut?’ is a question I asked myself and have seen as I research on divorce and recovery. Personally I had been a happy go lucky person – singing in the mornings and I wanted to not only be happy but find joy in looking at or thinking about my future, wouldn’t you? Oh, I know that 30 odd years with him and four children it may be a little difficult to pull off, but what if? What if the recovery after divorce for this woman was a game changer?
It appears that being financially dependent on the spouse may make it harder, with child support and custody… It appears that many a man will be in total upheaval and this divorce is ‘news’ to him. The men tend to be on the ‘let’s work this out’, or ‘let’s talk about it’ phase (should they not have left for another female). The female – if she instigated the divorce – is on the move, get up and out type of attitude. Her mind is already made up.
So the best thing to be doing then is committing now to one of two greater goods:
commit to being happy, yes it’s a choice;
commit to being right, yes that’s the ego talking!
Here are 5 simple steps (simple does not mean easy but doable at least!) to aide you in your recovery post divorce:
Recovery post divorce #1 – Quit the ‘Woe is me” Victim state
Make the mental shift to survivor mode.
Although it is normal to be in grief, cry and dwell on the loss the first year – the pain is raw – after that it must be a conscious effort to switch from the victim to survivor state.
This is not the end of the situation at all, but the direction you seek is not behind you, oh what did I do? or how I loved my marriage, big house, cars… Whose fault is it anyway…. No now you can concentrate on the bright eyed and bushy tailed future. But be warned sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it! Counselling at this period can be beneficial. I personally loved the EMDR sessions as they were quick, few and effective!
Friends are good for gossiping! Really close friends can support you in your new venture to move ahead and leave the past behind – if not change friends!
Recovery post divorce #2 Readjust to your new financial situation.
Just take the ‘man’ out of the picture – you can not rely on your ex as a long term option and there is just no ‘marrying’ a rich man solution!
Dealing with the reality of the facts of the job market, need not hinder your choice of happiness
Women get paid less for the same job…
Women often put their careers on hold to raise their children
One option which is open to both sexes giving the same pay to each is to learn new skill sets in the digital economy. Get a digital education and become a ‘new rich’. This may even compensate the lowering in the lowering of income and lead to a whole new digital life style that you never dreamed of! This is what happened to me and personally I thank the stars for my lucky find. I did not want to get a job and stop being a stay at home Mother. I loved being a Mum too much! At least when they walk out you are happy for them 😉
* link to sfm
Recovery post divorce #3 Taking charge of your finances – empowering your future
Hire a financial planner/Accountant to review and organise the finances. This may be the first time you have been dealing with finances let alone managing them! You can not live off what is given to you in support and assets, or even government benefits.
Like for any other area of life you show an interest for – get an education, books, seminars, webinars… Then find an expert (I have been strongly advise to take someone I can pay by the hour).
This is generally empowering as managing money generally is. Getting expenditures fine tuned and using your assets wisely enables you to approach the future with the hands on the steering wheel and the eyes on the road as opposed to your head in the sand. Now you are driving your life (a happy choice 😉 and this makes the future brighter and more secure.
Recovery post divorce #4 Ah…. I think solely of the children’s well being
This is a tough one, but vital for your growth. Let the inner you be so strong as to let the outer battles subside. There will be lots of frustration with regards to the children and your ex- their father. Whereas before he would take them to a fast food and you would think ‘Great a couple of hours to myself’ now it becomes ‘He just feeds them junk food, won’t cook a meal!’ … Buys toys and electronics but won’t give you money for shoes and clothes; not very strict in his house with bed times; what the children watch on TV; returns clothes dirty……………
Stick to your guns, do not change your education rules, so yes the kids are in bed on time (perhaps not the first year as this is mayhem and crying year!), they do chores, go for family walks and you still get to go to the dentists, doctors…..
This is your role as the educator of the household/family and it is too beautiful to squabble about. I am vegetarian and as opposed to fighting about meat etc I just encourage the children to eat meat with me also – although when I am very tired I tend to shudder in spite of myself as the little one eats it and so she does not really like to (she’s 12!). But I knew it would be a huge battle and so I let the children decide as they were old enough to.
You are responsible for the education and that is what the children will grow up with – let the rest be, and I found that I can even have ‘family’ dinners. Whilst it is so lovely to have all 4 kids at the table together, I am upset the next day the sadness and despair roll in… What a small price to pay for the joy of going up that very famous road back to happiness 🙂
Recovery post divorce #5 Hello me!
child inside us all be more like this
Whilst all this is very traumatic – the divorce – it was something chosen (in my case by me, due to a violent marriage – again chosen by me!) so the best way forwards is to embrace the change with both arms. Before one can do that one must grieve fully the past, it’s mistakes giving us life lessons, from which we rebound, the new roles to be defined even the old roles of mother in a marriage and out of one needs redefining!
Take the time necessary and that 1st year is so raw, painful, crying out loud, howling sometimes but moving forwards one foot in front of the other, a metamorphosis is occurring. Humans adapt, we evolve and must move forwards.
I recall many a time I hurled at my ex ‘Do you not think I want to stay under the quilts all day too? But I have the children to look after and so I must get up and out of bed to tend to them. So no, do not tell me it is very difficult for you! You have your career, your company and can just do it mechanically! No it is not easier for me at all.’ But in fact it was. All these things we think are so hard that first year help us on our road to recovery ladies after the divorce.
As it stands the recovery after divorce is different for each woman. We each have choices to make and roads to go along. Nevertheless if you find you are going down the wrong road, hey now the time to turn around and make another choice!
My own recovery after the separation…
(We are 2 years into the separation and still not divorced, the house sold, the tensions dropped, the anger dissipated and the getting on for the sake of the children – a choice I made…)
I personally was so very glad to have a community of people who were geared towards gratitude, uplifting of others and fulfilment on a soul level. That this was a professional group all going down the road to helping others master the skills needed to carry on, to stop the naysayers about the path we had chosen. I was learning, in apprentice phase, for what seemed like forever. But it helped me become aware of my own life, aware that this was not a fairytale romance I was living but quite the opposite. I became aware of the little girl in me that was screaming to get out, telling me (adult?!) to get out of my own way, that no I should not be hit or spat on by anybody. It made me become aware that the inside me needed to get out. So I set out to find a way, a door, a path, a window to climb out of… Yes it was hell, yes I paid severely to get out but was it worth it? Yes! Was it easy? No. But all the while I did have this loving community – that had no idea what I was living.
In the end I now have the skills, I now have joined the new rich, got my own digital company, I now stay very much in touch with this community and help others along the way. And it all started with an advert and some videos I got in my inbox… So let me give you a leg up and invite you to do the same. Should you be interested hit the link and be taken to another page,
where I explain a little more about this amazing business model that you can just plug into, earn as you learn and meet the community. Hit the link now, you get to join the new rich with 30 days free trial, what have you got to loose?
The recovery after divorce for women can be great, the choice is yours.