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Recovery after divorce for men

Recovery after divorce for men

Recovery after divorce for men

Divorce is a death there is no denying it, and who ever instigated the divorce, recovery for men afterwards is as emotional as for women. It is true that the stigma of ‘Men are tough’ and ‘men don’t cry’… leaving men on the outside of the emotional discussions as it were. It is equally true that society must change the views it holds on divorces, long gone are the men walking out on poor helpless housewives! According to a recent (2015) survey by the American Sociological Association, it’s the women that initiate the divorces, as much as 70% but in the non-marital relationships it’s about half half. 

So the new world of divorces is changing and society must change it’s stigmas too – in my opinion! The recovery after divorce for men is probably the same and we should recall that men and women react differently!

Here are 5 tips for recovery after divorce for men:

Recovery after divorce for men# 1.  Stop denial

  • Things are happening and yes this is real. So live in the truth

Recovery after divorce for men# 2. Stop the hate

  • Resentment, bitterness all very common and although men feel it is ‘justified’ this is not helping at all!
  • Letting go of these rather negative emotions is the best thing you can do to move forwards.

Recovery after divorce for men# 3. Stay connected

  • So not get huddled into your own self, go out, get a different perspective by talking to others. Any way you can get a social life.

Recovery after divorce for men# 4. Learn to forgive

  • This is the hardest thing of all to master. Personally I heard this which made it easier for me to forgive is not to pardon.  This meant a lot to me and thus I could move on ahead. This was the freeing part that I truly needed to hear and embrace.
  • For my ex he took about 16 months to dissipate his anger, then it was easier for us to navigate the arrangements for the kids.

Recovery after divorce for men# 5. Meditate

  • I know what you all say about this it took years for my husband to do it – when he finally did sit down to meditate we had been separated about 18 months. Once he was meditating the anger disappeared, the old him I had met all those years ago started emerging again.
  • I was not the same and had also been meditating for years, and it so helped me during the divorce’s separation phase… That first Christmas alone without the children – meditation galore…
  • So I highly recommend it as parents we are both recommending it to the children!!!

What ever the reason for the divorce – and mine was for violence, so I understand that there are a lot more issues to deal with for the recovery of divorce for the man here (another time we shall discuss this), know that generally the wife arrives at the divorce as a finality, she has already tried to fix things, negotiate but in her views there was no change so she had to change the situation by leaving! Men in this scenario arrive at the divorce as a new event, they did not assimilate the gravity of the situation, so they want to ‘talk via a advisor’, or that stage of the ‘divorce process’.

So if they come at that angle then yes it is very hard for men to recover after the divorce.

 

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Psychological effects of divorce on toddlers

Psychological effects of divorce on toddlers

Psychological effects of divorce on toddlers

Can you place yourself in the psyche of a toddler and then think about the divorce.

The first thing one must realise is that at that age (1-2) toddlers are still egocentrically geared for learning.

“The terrible twos” is when they become mobile, in physical terms – walking etc and in speech terms too…  There is the physical and emotional separation that is occurring.  There are also neurobiological and physiological changes taking place – I AM ME, the SELF. This can be a sad time for the parent as a change in the relationship is occurring – give your child the best wings with which to fly…

They have just come to terms that you (the mother more often than not) is not part of them and they are in that frame of mind… I am me and I can move this hand, finger, what does it taste like? How does it feel? And in the mouth it goes…

Toddlers psychologically understand and comprehend their name around 41/2 months so when you are discussing the day with friends or spouse they listen! “Toddlers can clearly understand complex conversation long before their parents think they can.”  Jean Berko Gleason, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Boston University and author of The Development of Language (Allyn & Bacon, 1996). He then goes on to explain “There is often a huge difference between receptive language and expressive language at this age,” And by 14 months they can read social cues: When we get angry, our voices get louder, our movements jerkier, and our breathing more rapid. By contrast, when we’re happy, we tend to speak gently and softly and to move and breathe more slowly. says Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia and coauthor of How Babies Talk: The Magic and Mystery of Language in the First Three Years of Life (Penguin, 1999).

stuffingspagettifalkFrom age 21 months they learn about nine new words per day!! So watch out, for that’s the time toddlers not only know you are talking about them but also understand the meaning of what you are saying. Care here needs to be in what you say. If you are with friends who equally have toddlers (and that’s generally the case -well it was for me) and you gals are moaning and complaining that toddler does this wrong or is very boisterous, or Jane is the quieter one… as if they were not in the room then they will act accordingly probably decoding it later on in life. So it is important to talk to your toddler as if he is a person, rather than talking of him with him in the room.

Your toddler’s psychological effects are strong regardless of divorce!

We have seen above that they pay attention to everything, that the words you use about them and to them should be the same.  You can’t coucou the baby then turn around and tell the father the baby’s driving you nuts!!

Unhappy with their arguments

Unhappy with their arguments

So the psychological effects of divorce on toddler’s comes into play long before the act of the separation! The toddler is:

  • hearing the shouting matches,
  • witnessing the body language and
  • may even find solace in the tranquility of the separation.

How can you handle the toddler’s psychological effects of the divorce?

Talk to them honestly. Do not confuse the baby with an adult’s shoulder to cry on but you can tell the baby honestly what has happened and the consequences and repercussions this will have on them. I personally do not believe in saying things like ‘it’s great you’ll have 2 houses’ or going down that road, but I strongly believe ‘Mother’s just know what and how to react’

It does no good to make yourself feel guilty about the fact that one of the spouses is not there for sometimes during the early years of an infants life the father (generally) is away on business, or working all hours and is not home when the baby is awake. So that one can be put to rest.

There is already the initial separation of the toddler-mother as they start to be:

  • aware
  • mobile
  • talk

For the interest of the transition of toddlerhood

All these factors make the relationship a little difficult at the best of times. Add to that the divorce then I believe that the child may have a rougher time if it is separated from the mother. Whilst I understand that it is tough on fathers they really should think of the child and not separated it at all during this transition phase of toddlerhood.

These are my views and only engage my understanding of the psychology of the toddler during the divorce phase.

I speak from experiences with mothers that are my friend’s experiences, and the research I have done. Personally I thank the father of our children for respecting their wishes.

Admittedly they were well over toddlerhood but nevertheless they did not want to see him initially. Then it was for a weekend here and there, and now he gets them during the vacations for the little one, now 12, does not want to live with dad during term time, so she said no to one week :one week routine. She is ok for the weekends but just not during school. So that’s great I get the homework and tight bed schedules and he gets the weekends. Not all of them and sometimes not for a long time but that’s our arrangement.

I also believe for the toddler that routines are the only thing that will make their life structured and balanced. If one parent is not so strict about the bedtime then that really throws a spanner in the works and the child’s sleep schedule is awry – a huge mistake for the toddler’s chances to have a happy time.

The toddler’s only concern is his development. What is happening in the family outside his own person is very influential to his well being but only in the sense that they give examples and children copy.

What should you do?

THINK OF THE TODDLER – he just wants love and cuddles when he falls.

Perhaps the father should not have the infant for a while, just have him during the day and bring him back during the night so toddler can sleep in his bed with Mummy close by.

The psychological effects of divorce on the toddler depends on how he is treated. He is a human being first and foremost.

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Recovery After Divorce For Women

Recovery After Divorce For Women

Recovery After Divorce For Women

‘Why do some women move on and others stay in the rut?’ is a question I asked myself and have seen as I research on divorce and recovery. Personally I had been a happy go lucky person – singing in the mornings and I wanted to not only be happy but find joy in looking at or thinking about my future, wouldn’t you? Oh, I know that 30 odd years with him and four children it may be a little difficult to pull off, but what if? What if the recovery after divorce for this woman was a game changer?

It appears that being financially dependent on the spouse may make it harder, with child support and custody…  It appears that many a man will be in total upheaval and this divorce is ‘news’ to him. The men tend to be on the ‘let’s work this out’, or ‘let’s talk about it’ phase (should they not have left for another female). The female – if she instigated the divorce – is on the move, get up and out type of attitude. Her mind is already made up.

So the best thing to be doing then is committing now to one of two greater goods:

  • commit to being happy, yes it’s a choice;

  • commit to being right, yes that’s the ego talking!

Here are 5 simple steps (simple does not mean easy but doable at least!) to aide you in your recovery post divorce:

Recovery post divorce #1 – Quit the ‘Woe is me” Victim state

Choice is never easy and here a must for recoveryMake the mental shift to survivor mode.
Although it is normal to be in grief, cry and dwell on the loss the first year – the pain is raw – after that it must be a conscious effort to switch from the victim to survivor state.

This is not the end of the situation at all, but the direction you seek is not behind you, oh what did I do? or how I loved my marriage, big house, cars… Whose fault is it anyway…. No now you can concentrate on the bright eyed and bushy tailed future. But be warned sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it! Counselling at this period can be beneficial.  I personally loved the EMDR sessions as they were quick, few and effective!

Friends are good for gossiping! Really close friends can support you in your new venture to move ahead and leave the past behind – if not change friends!

Recovery post divorce #2 Readjust to your new financial situation.

Just take the ‘man’ out of the picture – you can not rely on your ex as a long term option and there is just no ‘marrying’ a rich man solution!

Dealing with the reality of the facts of the job market, need not hinder your choice of happiness
Women get paid less for the same job…
Women often put their careers on hold to raise their children

One option which is open to both sexes giving the same pay to each is to learn new skill sets in the digital economy. Get a digital education and become a ‘new rich’. This may even compensate the lowering in the lowering of income and lead to a whole new digital life style that you never dreamed of! This is what happened to me and personally I thank the stars for my lucky find. I did not want to get a job and stop being a stay at home Mother. I loved being a Mum too much! At least when they walk out you are happy for them 😉

* link to sfm

Recovery post divorce #3  Taking charge of your finances – empowering your future

Hire a financial planner/Accountant to review and organise the finances. This may be the first time you have been dealing with finances let alone managing them! You can not live off what is given to you in support and assets, or even government benefits.

Like for any other area of life you show an interest for – get an education, books, seminars, webinars… Then find an expert (I have been strongly advise to take someone I can pay by the hour).

This is generally empowering as managing money generally is. Getting expenditures fine tuned and using your assets wisely enables you to approach the future with the hands on the steering wheel and the eyes on the road as opposed to your head in the sand. Now you are driving your life (a happy choice 😉 and this makes the future brighter and more secure.

Recovery post divorce #4 Ah…. I think solely of the children’s well being

The children asked for nothing - give it to them with love

This is a tough one, but vital for your growth. Let the inner you be so strong as to let the outer battles subside. There will be lots of frustration with regards to the children and your ex- their father.  Whereas before he would take them to a fast food and you would think ‘Great a couple of hours to myself’ now it becomes ‘He just feeds them junk food, won’t cook a meal!’ … Buys toys and electronics but won’t give you money for shoes and clothes; not very strict in his house with bed times; what the children watch on TV; returns clothes dirty……………

Stick to your guns, do not change your education rules, so yes the kids are in bed on time (perhaps not the first year as this is mayhem and crying year!), they do chores, go for family walks and you still get to go to the dentists, doctors…..

This is your role as the educator of the household/family and it is too beautiful to squabble about. I am vegetarian and as opposed to fighting about meat etc I just encourage the children to eat meat with me also – although when I am very tired I tend to shudder in spite of myself as the little one eats it and so she does not really like to (she’s 12!). But I knew it would be a huge battle and so I let the children decide as they were old enough to.

You are responsible for the education and that is what the children will grow up with – let the rest be, and I found that I can even have ‘family’ dinners. Whilst it is so lovely to have all 4 kids at the table together, I am upset the next day the sadness and despair roll in… What a small price to pay for the joy of going up that very famous road back to happiness 🙂

Recovery post divorce #5 Hello me!

child inside us all be more like this

child inside us all be more like this

Whilst all this is very traumatic – the divorce – it was something chosen (in my case by me, due to a violent marriage – again chosen by me!) so the best way forwards is to embrace the change with both arms. Before one can do that one must grieve fully the past, it’s mistakes giving us life lessons, from which we rebound, the new roles to be defined even the old roles of mother in a marriage and out of one needs redefining!

Take the time necessary and that 1st year is so raw, painful, crying out loud, howling sometimes but moving forwards one foot in front of the other, a metamorphosis is occurring. Humans adapt, we evolve and must move forwards.

I recall many a time I hurled at my ex ‘Do you not think I want to stay under the quilts all day too? But I have the children to look after and so I must get up and out of bed to tend to them. So no, do not tell me it is very difficult for you! You have your career, your company and can just do it mechanically! No it is not easier for me at all.’ But in fact it was. All these things we think are so hard that first year help us on our road to recovery ladies after the divorce.

As it stands the recovery after divorce is different for each woman. We each have choices to make and roads to go along. Nevertheless if you find you are going down the wrong road, hey now the time to turn around and make another choice!

My own recovery after the separation…

(We are 2 years into the separation and still not divorced, the house sold, the tensions dropped, the anger dissipated and the getting on for the sake of the children – a choice I made…) 

I personally was so very glad to have a community of people who were geared towards gratitude, uplifting of others and fulfilment on a soul level. That this was a professional group all going down the road to helping others master the skills needed to carry on, to stop the naysayers about the path we had chosen. I was learning, in apprentice phase, for what seemed like forever. But it helped me become aware of my own life, aware that this was not a fairytale romance I was living but quite the opposite. I became aware of the little girl in me that was screaming to get out, telling me (adult?!) to get out of my own way, that no I should not be hit or spat on by anybody. It made me become aware that the inside me needed to get out. So I set out to find a way, a door, a path, a window to climb out of… Yes it was hell, yes I paid severely to get out but was it worth it? Yes! Was it easy? No. But all the while I did have this loving community – that had no idea what I was living.

The new rich - a digital life styleIn the end I now have the skills, I now have joined the new rich, got my own digital company, I now stay very much in touch with this community and help others along the way. And it all started with an advert and some videos I got in my inbox… So let me give you a leg up and invite you to do the same. Should you be interested hit the link and be taken to another page,

where I explain a little more about this amazing business model that you can just plug into, earn as you learn and meet the community. Hit the link now, you get to join the new rich with 30 days free trial, what have you got to loose?

The recovery after divorce for women can be great, the choice is yours.

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Unexpected Divorce 2

Unexpected Divorce 2

In this second article I look at how to recover after an unexpected divorce announcement.

These are basic steps to take regardless, during a divorce but if it is completely unexpected then you may need more time to heal your soul.

The key to recovery after an unexpected divorce is to  take back control of your own life.

Acceptance is mandatory.

You can not live if you’re in regret, anger and fear.

6 steps to take:

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #1  Mourn

  • You sacrificed a lot for your marriage and now you’ll have to go through grief and its steps – denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.
  • Should you get stuck in one of these phases – get professional help, especially if there was abuse or a narcissistic partner involved.

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #2 Admit

  •  and don’t live off ‘what if’s’  of the past. Admit that the unexpected divorce is costing you either emotionally or/and financially.

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #3 Trust

  • That this feeling of crap will pass. Healing is needed by the body and the soul. This may be a good time for spiritual growth either God or the universe…
  • Meditation helps a great deal, it can liberate and get your creative juices flowing again.

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #4 Forgive

  • Yourself, your partner, and the universe. To forgive is not to forget or if violence, narsistic behaviour to forgive is not to pardon.

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #5 Self Awareness

  • Make centered decisions: becoming more aware allows to move forwards. Taking care of business properly feels good, so allow a hated ex to see his children if they are a good parent…

Unexpected divorce announcement -Action Step #6 Accept

  • Once you are at a place where you can understand what happened to you and this means you can see more clearly.

 

Generally after divorce, especially an unexpected one, you may feel in overwhelm of your emotions. live them out and get to the healing part of it all.

Time ultimately heals all wounds. There is no short cut to healing and the quicker you allow yourself to feel, the quicker the healing.

To help you heal it would be great to have a community. This for me was vital on my journey to recovery. Should you like to meet them please click here.

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Unexpected Divorce part I

Unexpected Divorce part I

manblackcoatwalking

The unexpected divorce seems unlikely yet it does occur more than thought (well by me!)


So in this series of articles I have taken two approaches to it.


The first article is based on little bits of advice to use in the now and right now and the second article is more of a long term strategy.

Either way as per usual I am guided by the universe to help thee as best I can 🙂

Here are some pointers for just now, immediate use:

  • Get your facts straight;

  • Ask for possible time out before you get the lawyers in;

  • Stay calm and don’t loose your temper (although you’re probably knocked for 10 here if it’s unexpected divorce);
  • Envisage therapy;
  • Allow yourself to be hurt but do not hurt in retaliation;
  • Have a cocktail or two – unexpected news always requires action of some sort!
  • Resist the urge to get disillusioned and disgusted with the world, unexpected divorce is not so bad;
  • Even if this is unexpected divorce news to you – recall the good times, the genuine love you had together;
  • Some ‘genuine divorce advice’ is best left on the shelf or in the hearts of other divorced ‘friends’…
  • Laugh in spite of the unexpected divorce news – new wonder drug;
  • Take time out for thee, for thyn children, and for thyn pets;
  • Put yourself in the other’s shoes, would you have announced the unexpected divorce news too? (don’t judge and ask yourself ‘what is the lesson I am to learn here?’)
  • Empower yourself by asking questions and insisting for answers, best not to make assumptions;
  • Resist the need to be a victim;
  • Stand up for yourself without being self-righteous;
  • Remember ‘it’s not about you’!
  • Work on forgiveness;
  • Be continuously present in your children’s lives, no matter what!

 

I have personally found that at these times a community is a vital part of life.  They can be there without knowing about your private life and just support you in your activities, that the community is there for you to give a helping hand, and some members may know about your private affairs and they too can be of great support. For me this community was in the form of my online education platform where I could be of great value to others in helping people who were a little behind me whilst gaining myself the help of others who were ahead of me in their education curriculum.

This also had another big advantage was that because I wanted to start my own business, because I wanted to surpass myself in this area of my life, I was constantly out of my comfort zone. Thus whether in a divorce or not I was pushing and pulling and doing! This gave me the capacity to give even more back to the community with the webinars I gave with my Mindseeds sessions of mind development and mind awareness.  Then there were and are today reasons why I love this company so. Financially I was not in a tops position, and with their earn as you learn business system I was able to gain a leg up in that domain too 🙂 I am a mother and a stay at home one at that first and foremost so that could not change.

I started with this company by applying for some training videos they sent me and believe you me I watched them about three times each, a notebook full of questions and booked my call to my business coach “attitré” asap! I would love for you to have a look at these videos, not to worry they have been updated 😉 Should you want them just click here.  I hope you’ll find as much information as needed to possibly aide you and should you have any questions – Skype me 😉

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Being A Single Mom To A Newborn

Being A Single Mom To A Newborn

Being A Single Mom To A Newborn

This is a point that I completely shudder when I read the title – being a single Mom to a newborn I can not imagine a harder thing in life to do (well I can of course the death of a child, but let’s stay merry here ok?!).

As I research,being a single Mom to a newborn, I find these women are so resourceful and happy in a way, well they are not blaming and shaming for they have a newborn to be looking after and they put themselves after the baby. This is as it should be in my eyes for I have always done so too, and if you don’t do it who will?

Here are some blogs that I found very helpful and not the Huffington Post type that you have read I’m sure 😉

Being a single Mom to a newborn – This one is written by a married mother but she gets her advice from single moms so do check it out: This article gives you 7 solutions to emotional mayhem you may be undergoing 😉

https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/article/an-emotional-survival-guide-for-single-moms?delightfullydivorced.com

Being a single Mom to a newborn – This one is written by an amazing woman who had a top job in NYCity in the TV world and moved to be in Connecticut with her Mother and sister. Bless her this article had me there with her, and I had the hubby till recently! (re-small babies….) go to read this one too:

http://hereweare.today/2015/12/what-i-wish-i-had-known-about-single-motherhood?delightfullydivorced.com

For the rest, being a single Mom to a newborn – I ended up on amazing paintings that I am also sharing with thee, I feel transported by these into another dimension and time is a human measure right?!

I Hope these few paintings have rekindled your desire to possibly take your little ones to museums and that being a single Mom to a newborn  does not mean staying at home due to lack of money, time, strength… After having lived in Paris – where granted to get 5 of us into the museum can start getting on the expensive side but here in Paris all museums are free the first Sunday of the month…now I could then go to just see one painting or exposition – I find Bordeaux somewhat maigre in fine arts and thank goodness for the internet, on the other hand there are many parks and this comes to mind…

For being a single Mom to a newborn from what I have read seems to give strength and character 😉 and I can not really compare what it is like to have a husband working all hours so doing activities alone, being a single Mom to a newborn is hats off to ya ladies!

Enjoy it whilst they are still small enough to want to be in your lap 😉

Share this article with other single moms you may know, on your own blog and enjoy your life with the children.

I Hope these few paintings have rekindled your desire to possibly take your little ones to museums – after having lived in Paris (where all museums are free the first Sunday of the month…) I find Bordeaux somewhat maigre in fine arts and thank goodness for the internet, on the other hand there are many parks and the joy cuddle comes to mind…

Share this article with other single moms you may know, on your own blog and enjoy your life with the children.

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