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Anger Management And Divorce

Anger Management And Divorce

Anger Management And Divorce

This is a very interesting topic… In the Cambridge dictionary ‘a strong feeling that makes you want to hurt someone or be unpleasant because of something unfair or unkind that has happened‘  Personally, I felt this very way most of my married life, totally frustrated to the point of wanting to hurt HIM! Now I understand more and because his violence made it so much more complicated than it needed to be I quickly found myself in hate of life, the country I was living in and even Paris (France)!! So for me anger management came before divorce for sure.

Anger Management And Divorce may come in as a surprise for the couple who are just incompatible, but even recently a good male friend of mine was telling me that he would put the key in the door at night not knowing how he was going to be greeted and generally would receive the dinner in his face either at the beginning or at the end – to which I mentioned that this too was domestic violence and because he was a lawyer he had to concede that yes it was, so the anger management was more on her side before and after the divorce. 

Anger Management And Divorce during the Divorce is a different thing altogether I believe…

Here there is the injustice of it all, for sure, the not in total control of your life part to, here there is more evidence to the traits mentioned in the Huffington Post article about answering these sorts of questions:

• Do I lose my temper easily and quickly? 

• Do I show inconsistent behavior that is intimidating to others?

• Are family and friends afraid of me? 

• Have I hurt people close to me because of my anger?

• Have I tried to control my anger, but failed?

• Do I find myself explaining or justifying my aggressive behavior toward my ex or the kids? ……

Yes all these sorts of questions I was asking myself during my married life so afterwards? NO I was calming down in fact and finding a way to get back into the reality of things.

Anger Management And Divorce – How to cope?

There are basic strategies:

  • Allow yourself to be angry – don’t fight it but do it in private place with a pillow that you can punch!
  • Fear it not – this is a normal reaction so acknowledge it and if you can watch it from ‘afar’ i.e. observe it – a journal is good 😉
  • Anger can be a false friend if fed – it wants to hurt the other person that hurt you, but this is a negative, downward spiral – diet! (don’t feed it)
  • Others are not your judges – do not worry about what they may or may not think about your anger – you already have enough on your plate!
  • Exercise – even if it is just walking to the end of the road initially, get into the habit of moving to vent the anger, let it escape and be replaced by endorphins that will bring eventually happiness 😉

So here are 5 steps to coping with anger management and divorce.

 

Anger Management And Divorce – and Finally…

Imagine yourself, lying in bed calm, just imagine this… ‘How will my life look after the divorce?’ Gone the turmoil of anger, hate, lawyers, just love of the children from each parent and email the only form of communication for just now. Can you feel the calmness? The love for the children? Ah yes here it is the flow state… Welcome it and really try and anchor that feeling every moment you can…

Anger Management And Divorce,

live it,

breathe it,

embrace it,

and release it.

CatPayen. Founder. delightfullydivorced.com

Cat Payen. Founder at  delightfullydivorced.com

I am dedicated to bring you value, techniques, tools and mentor you to have a delightfully divorced life. Divorce is final, and even though my own story is probably different to yours we as mothers first and foremost have to bounce back. I suffered domestic abuse, and although it takes two to tango, I fell really low and deep. But you can see videos about that for now I am out and about applying these and I have found the way to freedom - for me. I am a digital strategist extraordinaire, quite visionary really and this gives me vomph to my step, bounces me out of bed so as to serve you all better. I love my digital life style and would love for you to experience the community, camaraderie, and cutting edge marketing techniques. The one thing I found very helpful about the community is that it allows me to be me, in all my authenticity and dynamic, where at the worst of my life, here I could just be. No pretence not a mask to put on just be. The fact that we help each other means that there were always times I felt good about myself too. So apart from all these tools that I have gained in the process of getting myself aware of the situation I was in - domestic violence - was probably the single most important factor. But you too have got there if you are reading this, so now lets move you forwards and onwards.  Look, I would love for you to meet my mentors, or perhaps you would prefer an explanation of the system via a webinar? Just hit the links or skype me.

Single Parents And Homework

Single Parents And Homework

Single Parents And Homework.

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Single Parents And Homework – I live in a country where it is illegal to give homework to children under 11 years old (France, December 1956 decree….) and so they just get poems to learn and 15 mins of written work is permitted.

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Single Parents And Homework

Single parents and homework, after 11 years old in le collèges, is an absolute nightmare!  As it is now legal to give homework they just get inundated with it, the children have no clue as to how to manage their time – having been footloose and fancy free all this time it is just not part of their world.  As a single parent, homework becomes truly horrendous. 

Single Parents And Homework Mum

Single Parents And Homework Mum

 

Single Parents And Homework Dad

Single Parents And Homework Dad

Being a single parent and the kids homework has not really changed for the kids or me. I don’t know about you but I have no recollection of being the perfect family, well perhaps before it was easier for the children had 20m2 (24 yard2) rooms each and the kitchen was 40 m2 (48 yards2) where we could all sit and have homework time just before I started cooking the meal, but it was always their work and their responsibility.

Now as a single parent let’s view Homework

As a single parent, I have a tiny house and their 2 old bedrooms fits in my house!! A little exaggeration but only just 😉 So yes at least the school is a lot better and adapted to their intellectual capacities.  And the collège (11-15years old) it is a pilot for the rest of the country 🙂

There are no classes per se, each child is in a subject (geography, maths, french…) depending on the child’s competency within that subject. So a child may be in the last year of maths say and first year of Spanish…

This has done wonders for my little one who was often noted in the village (not intellectually adapted to us at all…) with say 7/20 and such marks, which we would not understand for she is ‘brilliant’.

So with this system if for example the child has learnt their geography lesson but not well written the reply they will get red in the section for written work but get green in the understanding of the question, using the right verbs to describe the feature etc This means that the homework for me the  single parent is much easier to deal with – in terms of productivity, just try and sit a child down and talk of ‘see here you got some red, it just means you need to practice X’  Let’s do some exercises on just X for now alright? big smile 😀    

Single Parents And Homework

Single Parents And Homework

Single Parents And Homework has it’s downsides though…

  1. Endless differences depending on the child (and their age) – there is never a right time: should they do it right after school; wait after ‘goûter’; wait after a down time??? As they get to 15+ then it’s all out all the time, or so we think… (See point #3 below)
  2. You can’t win – gone are the days when you knew how to get the colour green by mixing blue and yes yellow… Then there’s the ‘I can do this alone’ as they cut through things… Ah and the ‘Just sit down next to me and concentrate, please Mum’ ‘No you can’t do any of your own work, no reading as you don’t pay attention!’
  3. Internet – Then they get very much older: and the internet is not just for searching … I’m just watching this YouTube for my Spanish…..  How do you deal with that???
  4. The 9pm superstore run with no car is no fun, right? Or the 9pm phone call to the other parents… The buying of paper again for the other pack has just disappeared – reappears when you rush back from the store to find your child almost finished the homework ‘Oh Carley rang, got the assignment and the paper was under the bed!’
  5. They forget their homework, initially you rush to get it somehow, then there are books and lots of images to get,  finally you just say – too bad honey! It helps them understand when you forget things that life happens, and so they will get a bad mark for not having the homework done but that is also life and possibly it will teach them to remember things, or to note them down in their “agendas” and it may even teach them to enjoy getting good marks and praise from their peers and teachers!!
  6. I never personally felt stupid if I did not know something and I would tell them so ‘Ah I don’t know the answer to that, sorry’ but between you and I I don’t have to know the answer – I am not Google!

7 Helpful Steps to Move Past the Pain of Infidelity

7 Helpful Steps to Move Past the Pain of Infidelity

  1. Journal. This is a great way to make you feel better, let out your emotions and you can even write letters to the person that hurt you it will be so much better for you to let out the emotions. I personally adore videos, as I had to learn how to do videos and this made it easier for me to get to the 21st century letter writing I find, videos are poignant and pass all tests! Go to Delightfully Divorced closed group video page https://www.facebook.com/groups/604609956371386/
  2. Focus on you, your emotional, physical and spiritual needs, the better you will feel. Obviously focusing on the other will send you to a darker place!
  3. When your thoughts start to give you a little ‘how could she/he?’ ‘what’s wrong with me?’ listen to where these thoughts are taking you and go there, observe it, and leave!
  4. Call a friend, no ranting but listening ‘what are you up to?’ etc… This takes the focus off your anger and focusing more on sharing and listening.  A true friend – love that energy and live more in that field 😉
    If you can’t call then:
    Watch a movie;
    Read a book;
    Take up a new hobby – sewing, painting, drawing…. making videos 😉
    Meditate, do some yoga, go for a walk in a park with trees (= birds, nature…)
  5. Analyse clinically the marriage This honesty means that you can go forwards with new relationships – friends or more 😉 A little psychoanalysis? EMDR…
  6. Build a support network of friends, an online community, a religious one… Go out and build one of love, trust and empathy.
  7. Be gentle to yourself and have some compassion too.

This gives you back your power. To a certain degree and I have found this is the most single best thing that I can do for ME

FOGIVE.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE TO BE BITTER OR SWEET.

How To Move On After Divorce And Infidelity

How To Move On After Divorce And Infidelity

How To Move On After Divorce And Infidelity

There are, of course, many ways to look at infidelity and how to survive it via divorce or via forgiveness… It is a problem. So you can be solution orientated or problem focused.
Here’s the thing: are you going to look at this experience as something that will change you in a negative way or are you going to learn from this, become more resilient and move on? People who are able to move on after divorce and infidelity are of a particular breed.
Those who heal after adversity focus on a solution to the problem as opposed to focusing on the problem. If you can’t let go of the idea that your spouse was unfaithful to you then you won’t move on after it with or without divorce.
How to rebuild the trust? Staying open minded about finding solutions and the very good news is that we can all become solution oriented folk. It involves all the steps of grieving and requires patience, self-love and compassion for yourself and your situation.
If you have children, not only don’t you want to use them as a pawn in a custody game of revenge, but you want to be a strong and healthy parent requiring you to heal your heart; to let go of your anger and resentment so that is does not become a bitter root that lives on to poison your relationships. So how do you move forward after the betrayal of infidelity?

Empathy.

This is the place to start. This will enable you to “walk a mile in my shoes” and really feel what the spouse was feeling, this leaves little room for anger and problem focusing. Here are a few suggestions with the healing process:

Feel it, Listen to it, heal it.

Feel it, Listen to it, heal it.

Surviving does not necessarily mean staying in the marriage;
Thinking in times of emotional stress is no good, to you, your spouse or your marriage;
Acceptance that life goes on after infidelity;
Stopping the blame and shame game.

You may decide to work with your spouse and make the marriage ‘work’. A lot of hard work will be needed but either way, you may even decide to go through EMDR and always

your attitude towards this

will determine how well you heal and move on after a divorce from infidelity.

 

 

 

 

 

TRUST THE PROCESS.

Trust the new - processes happen for a reason.

Trust the new – processes happen for a reason.

 

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?

Being unique individuals it is a hard task to answer how long it really takes to get over a divorce. As each marriage is different, we all come with our expectations on ourselves and the other, and of course we each come with our baggage from the past and what our parent’s marriage was like.
There are however various factors that come into play into determining how long it takes to get over a divorce and are as follows:

  • Person’s age will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • Person’s financial situation is so important in determining how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • The length of that marriage is so important and will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • The degree of fidelity within the couple will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • Other family members will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • Seeing the other partner in a new relationship…oh la la this for sure will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;
  • One very important factor also is
  • The legal procedures during the divorce itself (some really nasty scars are left here!)….. for this surely will determine how long it takes to get over the divorce;

How long does it take to get over the divorce the statistics and figures that are out on the internet date from about 2010 so I did not think it wise to put them down as seriously six years is a long time (a married life to some!!). Suffice to say that the degree of time and energy needed, to divorce alone is huge, be warned, so the time it takes to get over it depends on the energy spent! And even if you may be at hell’s door right now, soul searching time, it is going to get better – not much help right? Not what you really need, eh? But even if I told you:

with respect to your time of marriage, the number of children, the financial stress, the religious implications all in number of days divided by n-2 = a given # of days to be over it would you believe me?! Probably not and if you got over it before the set date – am I really over it? Is this right? Can I be over it before the due date? See nothing is clear cut 🙂

Here is some meaningful news to help you determine the length of time it will take you to get over your divorce:

There are 7 major emotions that need to be addressed by each and every one of the divorcees.
1. Shock and Denial  
- reaction to the news of the loss by numbed disbelief;
2. Pain and Guilt 
- As #1 wares off tis replaced by this one!! Unbelievably painful.
3. Anger and Bargaining 
- Frustration/Anger tow-ing and fro-wing!
4. ‘Depression’, Reflection 
- ‘Now get on with your life’ your friends will tell you but the reflection you’ve had is sad, so sad that you go down the rabbit hole of depression in a more or lesser state! Friends should encourage you to mourn your loss enabling you to get over it.
5. Loneliness 
- Again learn to love yourself and loneliness is not upon you. You will start to adjust to life alone and physical symptoms lessen, lifting you also out of #4 above 🙂

Not alone I have me - remember to smile

Remember to smile – Not alone I have me –

6. Reconstruction and Pushing On Through 
- Your mind is working again and you re-become a solution orientated person (tis a natural state when all is well).
7. Acceptance and Hope 
- In this stage of the grief model accepting what is becomes the name of the game. Responsibility, forgiveness (does not necessarily mean pardon) and if your truly over it then you can revert back to the person you were before the marriage, as mine was a violent one, it was a relief to be able to do so, to be able to learn that I am worthy of love, peace and I am all love and laughter.

To the question how long it really takes to get over a divorce? A Doctor wrote ‘Responses to this question range from ‘a few months’ to “you never get over it.” Most people get back on their feet so to speak in a year. By 3-5 years the following comments are heard, “I’m back in control of my life again”; “I can now talk about my divorce without crying”; “I can finally get on with my life again”; “the bitterness is gone now”; “I’ve stopped wanting to kill him (her)”; “It was horrible, I’m a different person now than I was then”.

Here is an answer though…

Go and start meditating – I have this guided meditation that I do every morning and as it is guided Vishen Lakhiani of Mindvalley talks you through it. My head was in too much turmoil to have me even think about sitting silently for 20 minutes to ‘clear my mind’ and be happier afterwards!!! So go to this page for the explanations and downloads 😉

My why is to bring joy and honour to you, so that you may shine and know you are worthy of peace.

Having gone from a violent relationship (27 years) to single Mum with 4 children, I worked hard. The mind is everything and without a good mindset you can do nothing of value.

I now run my own business, have my own workshops, create my own products and live the life I make for myself. It really all took shape when I met Jay and Stuart. Twas a blessing that I would wish on every single person who is in any violence.

Mindfulness and Divorce

Mindfulness and Divorce

Mindfulness and Divorce

Mindfulness and Divorce

Mindfulness and Divorce

To me what ‘Captain Sparrow’ is saying took ages to put into practice! And I have heard it said many ways,

  • ‘it’s how you react to the problem’
  • ‘It’s how you chose to be with the problem and in that moment’
  • It’s not the problem’s fault it’s the way you react to it –
  • get proactive and foresee the problem coming act before it comes!……

The list is endless, but the way to go about your reacting to the problem is one of two choices

  1. You let the problem crumble you

    Mindfulness and Divorcealone

    Mindfulness and Divorce alone

  2. You overcome it somehow
    Mindfulness and Divorce - Alone 2nd type better

    Mindfulness and Divorce – Alone 2nd type better

     

How can you do this? Mindfulness and divorce – yeah baby 😉

The best way to be mindful is to live in the now, to be in the present ‘yeah well I am in the present!’ I would say when I heard this for the first time. And obviously you can relate to that. It takes time to have this sort of attitude, especially when your world has just been turned not only upside down but also your future has been taken away from you. I get that, and I have a solution 😉 Get this 6 phase meditation

This is a guided meditation which means that Vishen Lakhiani talks you through it and it is not a sit up and breath meditation at all. So I urge you to take 20 mins a day to do this – it can just mean if nothing else that you have 20 mins for yourself.

Mindfulness, divorce, anger and grief.

These are all normal emotions to be FEELING and good that you are feeling them too. This enables you to go past what you’re currently living (could be classified as hell for some 😉  and if you don’t get rid of these feelings and feel them, LIVE them FULLY.

CatPayen. Founder. delightfullydivorced.com

Cat Payen. Founder at  delightfullydivorced.com

I am dedicated to bring you value, techniques, tools and mentor you to have a delightfully divorced life. Divorce is final, and even though my own story is probably different to yours we as mothers first and foremost have to bounce back. I suffered domestic abuse, and although it takes two to tango, I fell really low and deep. But you can see videos about that for now I am out and about applying these and I have found the way to freedom - for me. I am a digital strategist extraordinaire, quite visionary really and this gives me vomph to my step, bounces me out of bed so as to serve you all better. I love my digital life style and would love for you to experience the community, camaraderie, and cutting edge marketing techniques. The one thing I found very helpful about the community is that it allows me to be me, in all my authenticity and dynamic, where at the worst of my life, here I could just be. No pretence not a mask to put on just be. The fact that we help each other means that there were always times I felt good about myself too. So apart from all these tools that I have gained in the process of getting myself aware of the situation I was in - domestic violence - was probably the single most important factor. But you too have got there if you are reading this, so now lets move you forwards and onwards.  Look, I would love for you to meet my mentors, or perhaps you would prefer an explanation of the system via a webinar? Just hit the links or skype me.

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